Monday, August 12, 2013


Today I am having a heart attack.  Not a real one, a mommy one.  Like a hormonal girl after a bad breakup, I just crammed a huge bowl of chocolate cereal in my face and am currently washing it down with the creamery-est coffee ever and getting a gnarly sugar headache.
Hold on, time to take the drogas.
There we go.

FYI, if you didn't know already, I am allowed to eat whatever I want because I take diabetes medication even though I don't have diabetes.  The opposite - I am hypoglycemic, which is why I pass out all the time stupidly and am also always grumpy.  I take Metformin, which helps regulate my insulin, which is the only reason I'm nice to you sometimes.  So even though I CAN eat anything I want, ironically, the meds make me want to eat nothing, and when I do, vomit it all up.  So that's fun.  But the reason I just told you that random fact was to explain why I can eat ice cream for breakfast and allz will be okay.  And also because I am FREAKING OUT and that always ends in disaster and run-on sentences.

"So why are you freaking out, Beckie?" you might be asking.
Let me tell you.  Today my whole world got thrown upside-down.  My kids allofasudden grew up into adults who hate me, my house is quiet, I am not driving to work, I have time to blog, I have time to think.  Ohmygod.  Today was the first day of school for my kids at their new elementary school. 
Mom is sooooooooo embarrassing.
My oldest is in 4th grade, which is ridiculous and I disagree with it.  I am NOT that old and never will be.  I love when people say, "you're too young to have a 10 year old!"  Those people are my best friends.  If you haven't said that to me, we're not friends.  When I taught elementary, the 4th graders were the "old" kids who I had high expectations from to be mature and role models and create decent art because they had the coordination and skills and deep-creative-thinking abilities.  And then my baby goes to 4th grade, and I'm like, he's a BABY.  He needs me to zip his backpack and tie his shoes and wipe his nose, right?  WRONG.  He is fine and if he wasn't my kid, he would be expected to have coordination and skills and deep-creative-thinking abilities.  But it's so surreal I can't even handle it.  My youngest is now in 3rd grade, which is a little easier to swallow when you've already had a third grader, but still pretty much terrible.  He's ginormous, too, at least 2 inches taller than everyone in his class, which makes him look like he's supposed to be there, at least.  Don't get me wrong; I would still throw him in 1st grade if I could!  He would be huuuuge!  Like one of those 7th graders will a full beard.  You're like, don't ever buy a van without windows and/or a trench coat, bearded creeper 7th grader.  So my kids are old and I am old and we are all old, but that's not even the worst part.  The worst part is that I think I've ruined my kids' lives because it's taken me until now to get my shit together.  We've moved the kids from school to school every year since they started going to school.  Blake has been to 4 schools in 4 years.  #TeacherLife, but still not fair to them.  Cody's fine with it - he makes friends in two seconds (He says this morning, "I just make friends because everyone thinks I'm funny."  Matter-o-fact.), although he looked a little distraught this morning in line.  Blake, however, is the exact opposite.  He makes one friend in his whole life who he loves desperately and can't get over.  Like a penguin (those are the ones that mate for life, right?).  And then I tear him away from his one and only friend and his heart out along with it.  My husband made a promise to him the other day that we wouldn't move until he graduated high school (which also sends me into commitment-phobic panic mode, but that's another story), but how can you not make that promise to those big, green, sullen, stability-seeking eyes?  Heartbreaking.  Blake was in line this morning, hanging his head, and I think there was a little gray cloud just above it.  He was even closing his eyes... maybe it would all go away?  So I totally worry about him.  He is the sweetest boy in the whole world and I have destroyed his childhood.  That's how it feels.

Turn around!  Let me see your backpacks!  Hate Mom-me.
     They also hate me already.  I know that's not true, but I kind of hate me (Mom-me) and understand.  Mom-me is different than just me.  I think Me-me is pretty awesome, but if I were my kids I would totally hate Mom-me.  Mom-me is like, "I need to get a picture!  Turn around so I can see your backpacks!  Don't make that face!  Are you nervous?  Don't be nervous!  Look at all the friends you can make!  Oh look, there is your teacher!  Oooh, you'll have so much fun!  Blah blah blah!"  Hate.  But that's how I am and I can't help it, like it's been ingrained in my genetics since moms were invented.  Blake stood there while I tried to hug his limp body and wouldn't talk to me, and I'm all trying not to show him how freaking the freak out I am that my baby is going into 4th grade and it's worse that he won't respond so I try harder and then it's just a terrible cycle of mom-hatred.  And I didn't know where to stand so I just kept moving spots around the playground like a straight up weirdo.  And also I think I never know what to do with my arms, so they were probably T-Rex arms the whole time.  I can understand the hatred.  I really can.

My house is silent.  Until 3:30.  Silent.

That is also quite strange for me because I am sitting at home on a Monday.  Remember, I've been a teacher for the last 5 years of my life.  This is the first year SINCE I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD that I haven't had a school year.  Panic Panic Panic.  My life is awesome awesome, don't get me wrong, but I think in my old age I am realizing change is hard.  Maybe not hard, but weird.  I wish there were better words for this.  Off-putting?  Off-balance?  Those sound negative, and it's not a negative feeling, just a... weird... feeling.  See, I'm bad at this.  But think, if your life has always revolved around school year, summer off, school year, summer off, and then all of a sudden, there is no summer off, there is new job during the summer, and then your kids go to school and you aren't going with them at the same time, and it felt like there was no summer because you moved to a strange land, and now you don't work 4 minutes away from them and can't pick them up if they have a tummy ache (even though they don't need you to now because they are adults), it's going to feel WEIRD!  It's strange, too, to not have to worry about lesson plans and first days for students and parent teacher conferences and early morning meetings.  (Butohmygodit'ssoawesome!!!!!)  (If you're thinking about getting into the teaching field - DON'T!  Unless you're a big fan of politics, red tape, and assholes.  Then it's definitely the career for you.)
Now I have all this... what do you call it?  Time?  I think so.  I have time to go through that huge stack of bills staring at me right now.  So I'm definitely gonna call it and go into the other room, cuz ain't nobody got time for that.
OMG I wonder how my babies are doing right now!  Is there a biting-off-fingernails emoticon?  :3  Nope, just ballsface.  Next blog: how they were perfectly fine and I have anxiety issues.