Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Ray Liotta and Crotch Pockets

I was exiting my Facebook page just a moment ago and I saw the most terribly ugly person in the whole wide world looking at me with that smug, horseface grin and a Subway sandwich in hand:  Michael Phelps.  Arggghh!  I don't know why I despise him so much.  Maybe it's because of this:


I don't know what's up with that crotch pocket, but I'm disturbed and you should be, too.  Also, he's freakishly ginormica, which isn't fair because small people should be allowed to swim quickly to win medals and from sharks.  I think the reason I hate Michael Phelps the most is because I'm pretty sure my husband, Zach, could kick his ass if he'd just practice a little more.  I'm always like, "Zach, go swimming!"  "Faster, Zach, faster!" "Shouldn't you practice again today, honey?"  I tell him things such as, "You are just so graceful in the water, like you could be a professional swimmer!" and "Do that very special dolphin swim kick that does not make you look like a freak," and "You look sexy in that Speedo! (Uck, no!)" because SOMEONE MUST BEAT MICHAEL PHELPS!  And that someone should be my husband.  If anyone can pull off a crotch pocket, it's Zach. 

But someone should tell him that you're supposed to dive into the water, not just up.  Oh well, he's pretty.
Something funny about Zach and also about hating people is how much Zach randomly hates Ray Liotta.  I mean, what's not to love?  I think he was in a movie once where he played a dude and another movie where Hannibal ate his brains.  I have no problem with Ray Liotta.  But seriously, Zach would cut him if he even got near him.  I'm going to call Zach right now so I can repeat what he says.  Hold on.
"Zach, I need you to tell me why you hate Ray Liotta."
"I don't like his little nose, and I don't like, his like, voice.  And I don't like his acting: it's really bad.  And he icks me out when he walks... and moves around.  And I've made assumptions about maybe the way he smells and how he might treat people badly.  Ray Liotta, I just want to know why you're in movies.  How did you get this job?  I want this job. I  want to make money.  So that's why I hate Ray Liotta."
I don't think I can top that.

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