About a month ago, girl Leah began to crow. I was in the office, drinking my coffee and checking my email. Zach was still asleep. And I heard it. It was not quiet. And it was unmistakable. I yelled across the hall, "Zach! Leah is crowing!" He answered, "muuuuuung." I yelled again (heaven forbid I get up. Seriously, coffee time is MY time.), "You have to get him; he'll wake the neighbors!" And after this statement, all the neighbor dogs began to bark. And there are, like, 300 of them. So Zach sleepily bounded (contradiction?) out of bed, threw on some shorts but no shoes, and ran outside to get Leah from the coop. He then brought the bewildered poultry into the house and with wild eyes, asked, "What do I do with him?" "I don't know!" I answered, pretending like I was going to get out of my chair. "Put him in the dog crate!" It was, and still is, a brilliant idea. So Zach kicked his dog out of her crate in the garage and put a chicken in it instead. We were all a little confused then, especially Leah/Leo, I'm assuming. In the other dog crate across the garage, dumb boy dog, Jasper, was also confused. But we all had a good laugh as we realized that the garage was now for the dumb boy animals. Har har har <---- good laugh.
This is when we finally allowed ourselves to admit that, yes, in fact, Leah was a boy, and her/his name was changed to Leo. Leo only crowed a few times, and when he did, we would race outside and grab him from the makeshift chicken coop and throw him into the dog crate. It worked for a while because Leo was not yet a giant freak, so his crows were little and adorable and we would say things like, "It's so nice to have the rooster wake us up instead of an alarm clock!" But then Leo and his chicken craps began to grow larger and smellier and he was still being man-handled unwillingly into a dog crate every evening and letting us know how unhappy he was about it by CROWING SO FREAKING LOUD ALL THE FREAKING TIME and although Leo was a sweet boy chicken and we all loved him dearly, he tried to claw Blake's face off from ear to mouth like a gang cutting, and then we knew it was time.
My dad reasoned that we could let Leo free and let nature have its way with him. Maybe he'd survive to populate the forest with crow-chickens, a new species not unlike a mockingjay from Hunger Games. Or perhaps he'd die by coyote, but we wouldn't know, and that makes it ok. But I wondered if maybe we'd release him and he'd just stay there and hang out. Completely defeating the purpose. So Dad suggested we release him at Weikel Elementary School, the school that I "just wasn't a good fit" for, because probably Leo would be a good fit, and also that's hilarious. Maybe they'd make him the mascot when he populated the playground with mockingjays. But I, ever the humanitarian, decided to craigslist him instead (after some very inhumane tactics that I cannot make public for fear of imprisonment for cruelty to animals. Just kidding. Kind of.) Many people responded to the ad. Lovely farmers from Calhan and Falcon, some with chickens and some who needed a new family pet. Awww how sweet. But because I am lazy, I decided to reply to the dude who lived in Black Forest, because we were already going up there, and that's just easier. So Dude pulls up. He's like 12 and smoking a cigarette and the first thought in my mind is COCKFIGHTS. Poor Leo is going to have to Hunger Game for the rest of his life. But I am a nice person who does not like to judge a book by its cover (I know, right?), so I went to find a box to send Leo packing in. No box and 5 minutes later, Zach hands Leo over to Dude who just puts him in the back of his car. Not something you see every day.
But Dude seemed happy with his random backseat rooster and I am happy that my son will get to keep his eyes, and also that I get to hear the lovely ringing of my alarm clock every morning, so we all win.
And this concludes the epic tale of Leo the rooster!
P.S. Blake says his next rooster will be named TreShawn.
No comments:
Post a Comment